Empathy is a quality that helps you see things from another person’s point of view, connect with their feelings and build stronger relationships—at work, at school and in your personal life. Here’s how you can become more empathetic.

What is empathy?

Empathy is the ability to see things from someone else’s perspective and to feel what they feel. Putting yourself in another person’s shoes can lead you to act with compassion and do what you can to improve their situation. In this way you can ease their distress—and sometimes your own.

Imagine coming home and finding your spouse or partner is unwell. Even if you had a good day, you’d suddenly feel their worry and would care for their needs.

If a friend is angry about how their boss treated them, you’re likely to share their disappointment. You may not be able to fix the problem, but you can understand their need to let their feelings out.

Empathy isn’t only about difficulty. When your child is excited about something, you feel their joy. When a friend laughs at a joke, you share the fun. Empathy lets you deepen relationships by connecting with the thoughts and feelings of friends and loved ones—and they with yours.

Empathy can extend to people you don’t know. If you see someone sitting alone at a party, you might sense their loneliness and start a conversation. If you see images of people suffering on the other side of the world, you may be moved to offer help. When you see a crowd on TV cheering, your mood can lift. Their joy becomes yours.

Understanding the different components of empathy

Researchers often identify at least two components of empathy: emotional and cognitive.

Emotional empathy is the ability to feel what others feel. If your spouse is anxious and sad, you may mirror those feelings. If a friend is happy and in good spirits, you may find yourself smiling as their happiness feels contagious.

Cognitive empathy is the ability to recognize and understand another person’s mental state. It gives you a picture of their perspective and feelings. If you recognize that your spouse is angry, you can predict that your joke may not land. If you understand that your friend feels helpless, you won’t be surprised by their sudden outburst.

These two components of empathy rely on different neural networks in the brain. So you can have high cognitive empathy but lower emotional empathy, and vice versa.

Gender differences in empathy

Research suggests that women are more likely to report feeling sad when they hear about others’ pain. This fits with findings from a recent fMRI study that showed women’s brains appearing more responsive to feeling the pain of others. The study did not show differences between genders in cognitive empathy, however.

Why is empathy so important?

Empathy plays an important role in your life. First, it can strengthen your bonds with the people you interact with. As you try to understand others, you help them feel heard and understood. They’re then more likely to take time to empathize with you. That deepens the relationship and fosters the sense of connection we all want.

Research suggests that having a strong social support network tends to increase a person’s happiness. Because empathy leads to better relationships, it can be a key ingredient in building a more satisfying life.

Empathy can also:

Encourage more social behaviour. Empathy can move you to take action that improves others’ lives—from donating to a cause to encouraging a friend to seek help or simply offering a hug.

Guide decision-making. In social situations, empathy can help you choose the wisest course. If your partner seems stressed about work, you might decide it’s not the best time to ask them to take on more.

Reduce burnout. Studies suggest that empathy can help reduce job burnout by supporting better communication and cooperation, even in tough workplaces.

Help smooth conflicts. If you’re in a bitter disagreement with a colleague, empathy can stop you from being overly critical or unnecessarily harsh. Once you understand their perspective better, it’s easier to find a compromise.

Signs that you or a loved one lack empathy

Empathy isn’t something you either have or don’t have. Some people have a high degree of empathy; others have less.

If your empathy sits at the lower end of the spectrum, you may feel indifferent to other people’s pain. You might think or say, “Well, that wouldn’t have happened if they’d been more careful.” You may look down on family members in financial difficulty and put it down to their not working hard enough. You might even believe that such bad things could never happen to you.

Low empathy can also lead you to think that people around you are too sensitive. You may be surprised when friends are hurt by your jokes. You may not see how your words and actions hurt loved ones. That can lead to arguments and misunderstandings.

With low empathy you may have little patience for people in a tough spot. Your best advice may be “Just get over it.” You may hold grudges and find it hard to forgive. You may feel you never have time to hear others’ views or consider their emotional state.

Recognizing lack of empathy in others

If someone close to you lacks empathy, your interactions can be distressing. They may be impatient and overly critical, and you may feel you can’t get through.

You may notice they dismiss your problems or tune out when you talk about your feelings. You may feel unheard or start to wonder if you’re “too sensitive.” Remember that lack of empathy is something only they can work on.

Causes of lack of empathy

Sometimes it’s natural to feel little empathy—for example toward someone who has frightened or mistreated you or people you love. That may be a situational dip, not a reflection of how empathetic you usually are.

Some experiences can lower empathy. For example, some research suggests that empathy can drop as medical students go through training—possibly due to burnout and the need to protect themselves emotionally. Other studies, however, show that empathy in medical students either increases or stays the same.

Empathy is not fixed. Think of it as a muscle you can strengthen. Improving your listening, paying attention to body language and building emotional intelligence can all increase your ability to empathize. Embracing your own vulnerability and exploring new perspectives can help too. Tips for building empathy

Tip 1: Practise listening

You can’t put yourself in someone else’s place if you’re not willing to hear what they have to say. So listening is central to building empathy. Go beyond pretending to listen; aim to listen closely enough to understand their situation, views and feelings.

Identify and remove barriers to listening. If you’re stressed, it’s harder to focus on the other person. Try to address what’s weighing on you before a difficult conversation. Multitasking is another common barrier. Put your phone away and stop other tasks so you can give the other person your full attention—especially during disagreements or when the topic is sensitive.

Don’t interrupt. Interrupting not only breaks their train of thought but also risks misunderstanding what they meant. If you’re already forming your next sentence while they talk, you’re not fully listening.

Avoid judging. If you know you disagree with someone, you may mentally dismiss their words. Try to listen with an open mind. Don’t criticize or assign blame while they’re speaking. Make a real effort to understand where they’re coming from.

Show that you’re listening. Non-verbal cues like eye contact and a nod, and verbal cues like a brief “mm-hmm,” let the other person know they have your attention and invite them to continue. If you seem distracted, they may feel you don’t care.

Give feedback. If you think you may have misheard, ask a follow-up question so they can clarify.

Tip 2: Learn to read body language

Listening isn’t only about words. People also communicate their emotional state through non-verbal cues. Reading body language helps in all kinds of social situations.

A friend might often say “I’m fine” but their expression tells you something is wrong. You might sense a date’s interest from their eye contact.

People often communicate through: Facial expression—frowns, smiles, hesitant smiles and other expressions convey mood. Eye contact—where someone looks, wide eyes (interest or excitement), drooping eyelids (tired or relaxed). Voice—tone can show whether they’re joking or serious; speed can suggest confidence or nervousness. Posture—tense shoulders may suggest worry; relaxed shoulders and a slouch may suggest comfort or boredom. Gestures—few gestures may suggest reserve; someone relaxed may use their hands more. Speed and intensity of gestures can convey aggression or enthusiasm.

Look for consistency between non-verbal cues and what the person says. Don’t over-interpret single cues. Consider the whole picture. Be aware of your own body language—it sends messages too. To encourage connection, use open posture, a gentle smile and relaxed eye contact. Managing your own stress can help you avoid sending unintentionally negative signals.

Tip 3: Embrace vulnerability

Empathy requires allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Hiding behind a wall of indifference makes it harder for others to trust or understand you, and it blocks you from feeling the full range of others’ emotions.

Reframe how you think about vulnerability. You may have learned that it’s a sign of weakness. Opening up to others—trusting that they’ll hear and accept you, flaws and all—takes courage. Speak up. Tell loved ones how you really feel. That means checking in with your own emotions and practising openness. Be willing to name strong feelings like shame, jealousy and sadness. The more you talk about feelings, the easier it gets—and others may open up in return. Say what you need. Make it a habit to express your needs. Do you need someone to vent to? Or practical help? Speaking up is healthier than suffering in silence and helps loved ones feel trusted and needed. Take it step by step. If sharing feelings or needs is hard, start small—e.g. tell a friend one thing that disappointed you or excited you today, or make a small request: “Can we take a walk tonight? Walking helps me feel less anxious.” Don’t overfocus on image or perfection. If you’re too worried about how others see you, you may hold back from being honest. Try to let go of the need to appear strong and untouched; honesty brings you closer to the people who matter.

Tip 4: Build emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (sometimes called EQ) is your ability to recognize emotions and use them in ways that improve your life. For example, someone with high EQ knows how to ease their own stress and de-escalate heated arguments. EQ also supports empathy by helping you recognize and understand others’ emotions.

EQ is often described in four areas: self-management, self-awareness, social awareness and relationship management. Self-management: Learn ways to cope with stress so you can stay present and read situations better. Deep breathing, exercise and mindfulness can help. Self-awareness: Mindfulness—focusing on the present moment—helps you notice and accept your feelings without labelling them “good” or “bad.” Ask what triggered them, how they feel in your body and how they affect your interactions. Social awareness: Be present with whoever you’re with. Notice their body language and what topics they return to. Connect that to your own reactions. Relationship management: Disagreements will happen. Knowing how to compromise and forgive helps you move through conflict.

Tip 5: Explore new perspectives

We tend to feel more empathy for people who are similar to us. That can lead to an “empathy gap” when it comes to differences in race, religion or culture.

Expose yourself to new perspectives. If you’re not religious, attend a religious ceremony. If you’re politically conservative, listen to podcasts from a different angle. If you’re used to the city, spend time in rural settings. Look for common ground and acknowledge differences. You don’t have to agree with every view—but listening with an open mind can help you see the humanity in people with different backgrounds or opinions.

Fiction and character-driven stories can also build empathy. When you read a novel or watch a film you’re practising understanding a character’s motives, goals and emotions. Seek out books, films and other art from people with different cultural backgrounds.

Question your assumptions. When you meet people from different backgrounds you may find that many of your previous ideas about them were wrong. It’s okay to admit you were wrong—treat it as learning. In everyday situations, try “what if?”—e.g. maybe your friend had a good reason for being late; maybe that driver was rude because they were under great stress.

Building empathy can widen your social circle and support your own happiness. It also benefits the people you meet. As you take time to really listen, you offer them emotional comfort and may make it easier for them to trust, soothe and empathize with others in turn.

For more on how empathy and ethics can support healthier relationships and a better society, read our article Ethics and Empathy: Priceless Gifts for a Society of Peaceful Coexistence. For more on stress at work and how to cope, see Managing Work Stress.

Happy Life Team