For a long time, people have set New Year’s goals in the hope of improving their lives in the year ahead. Yet it’s estimated that by early February, around 80% of those new goals have been abandoned. Resolutions are set aside for many reasons—and one of the most common is self-sabotage.
Behaviour that shows chronic self-sabotage can lead to damaging outcomes in our personal and professional lives.
Self-sabotage is more widespread than we often realise. At some point, most of us have undermined our own success or wellbeing.
What is self-sabotage and how does it undermine our personal growth?
Self-sabotage: a psychological definition
Self-sabotage happens when we harm ourselves physically, mentally or emotionally, or when we deliberately get in the way of our own success and wellbeing by undermining our personal goals and values (Brenner, 2019). It can be “sneaky, deep and pervasive” and often stems from unhelpful mindsets (Berg, 2015).
Self-sabotage—sometimes called behavioural dysfunction—can be conscious or unconscious, depending on how aware we are of it. A conscious example is choosing to order takeaway despite a goal to eat more healthily. Unconscious self-sabotage happens when a personal goal or value is being undermined without the person recognising it.
Someone with a fear of failure might leave work on an important project until the last minute, unconsciously avoiding the possibility of moving forward (Wignall, 2020).
Another dimension of self-sabotage is cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the inner tension or discomfort we feel when our words or actions don’t match our beliefs and values. When that happens, we often act to reduce the discomfort by changing our words or behaviour, or by rethinking our goals and values.
It may seem unlikely that anyone would deliberately sabotage themselves—yet it happens, and the consequences can be serious. Chronic self-sabotage can drain us from the inside, sap our motivation and leave us feeling sad, anxious and with damaged self-esteem.
Self-sabotaging behaviours
People sabotage themselves by letting negative thoughts run unchecked—and that’s only the tip of the iceberg (Berg, 2015).
Self-sabotage often has its roots in unhelpful mindsets such as negativity, disorganisation, indecision and harsh self-criticism. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome are also forms of self-sabotage. A subtle and ever-present form is mindless distraction that gets in the way of reaching our goals.
Some common mindless distractions include binge-watching TV, browsing the internet, scrolling social media, getting stuck on video games and online shopping.
Besides unhelpful mindsets, we can also get caught up in unhelpful or destructive behaviours. Common examples include overeating, excessive alcohol or substance use, smoking, gambling, self-harm and overspending.
Such behaviours can keep us stuck in negative, self-defeating cycles. Typical avoidance behaviours include procrastination, chronic lateness, giving up when things get hard and lack of motivation.
While some fears are rational and help keep us safe, when fears become unbalanced they can block progress in our career and personal life. Common unfounded fears include fear of commitment, the unknown, change, failure and losing control.
Why do we self-sabotage? Five possible causes
- Approach–avoidance conflict
Dr. Judy Ho, author of Stop Self-Sabotage (2019), describes self-sabotage as a biological response that was sometimes necessary for survival. She uses Kurt Lewin’s approach–avoidance conflict to explain goals that have both positive and negative aspects, creating competing forces.
The approach dynamic starts with setting goals, which releases dopamine. The avoidance dynamic starts with avoiding a threat—including physical and psychological threats or perceived threats such as change. Self-sabotage appears when the urge to reduce threats outweighs the drive to achieve our goals (Ho, 2019).
- Childhood and self-sabotage
Self-sabotaging behaviours can stem from childhood patterns, including a parent who lacked confidence in their own success. A parent who constantly warned a child to be careful on the playground may lead the child to internalise the world as unsafe and as something to be avoided.
- Rejection or neglect
Rejection or neglect by a parent can contribute to low self-esteem and other difficulties. That can lead us to sabotage close relationships in an attempt to avoid further rejection.
- Adaptive behaviours that become maladaptive
We adopt behaviours that at first help us cope with challenges—but those same behaviours can become maladaptive when they continue long after the challenge has passed.
- Trauma
A child who experiences abuse from anyone, especially a trusted figure, may come to see the world as unsafe and themselves as unworthy of good things in life, which can lead to self-sabotage.
How it links to fear of failure and fear of success
When we look at self-sabotage, insecurities and limiting beliefs often surface as we get close to something we really want.
Insecurity can come from an inner critic that tells us we can’t complete a certain task or that we’re not good enough (Jacobsen, 2016).
These leftovers from the past can erode our self-confidence and lead us into unhelpful habits that seem to protect us from the pain of failure. Sabotage can also protect an inner self that secretly fears becoming strong—strength would change the world as we know it and so feels like a threat (Rippo, 2016).
If self-sabotage is so harmful, why do we repeat it? In short, what gets rewarded gets repeated. Sabotage fills a need or a void of some kind. To break the cycle of destructive behaviour, we need to uncover that void and learn new, healthier ways of coping.
Two areas where self-sabotage often shows up are relationships and the workplace.
Self-sabotage in relationships
The reasons we sabotage relationships are complex, but understanding where the sabotage comes from is key to change.
Relationship sabotage can show up in many ways: choosing partners who are a poor fit, picking fights, or refusing to fully commit.
Other signs include unrealistic expectations, chronic distrust, silencing yourself and losing yourself in the relationship.
Mary Retta (2020) adds the following as further examples of relationship sabotage:
- Ignoring negative emotions
- Criticising your partner
- Holding grudges
- Putting energy into things outside the relationship
- Focusing on your partner’s flaws
Self-sabotage at work
Career sabotage can include:
- Disorganisation
- Indecision
- Perfectionism
- Procrastination
Career self-sabotage means actions that get in the way of your professional goals. Fear of failure or anxiety about uncertainty can keep you stuck in your comfort zone and stop you from moving forward even when you want to. That can lead to unhappiness at work and negatively affect your mental health and wellbeing. It can also lead to frequently changing jobs.
How to overcome self-sabotage
Self-sabotage isn’t a character flaw—it’s a set of behaviours that often stem from fear-based, negative beliefs that block you from reaching your goals in one or more areas of life.
You can start to overcome self-sabotage by noticing your behaviours, emotions, thoughts and beliefs about yourself, and questioning them when they stand between you and your goals. Once you understand what’s driving the sabotage, you can develop new, more supportive behaviours.
To go deeper, read How to Recognize Negative Thought Patterns and Ease Rumination and Managing Work Stress.
Happy Life Team
